[Here is a post by our first international guest poster. Leoned is from the former Soviet Union and has sent us this about his mental health experiences. End Of Terror is a worldwide struggle and campaign for better rights for mental patients, wherever you may be in the world. ENJOY! Wez G, End Of Terror]
… One night I was awakened by the noise. Opening my eyes, I saw how two nurses are beating the boy, who lies at the window. The boy was trembling. « “Again Vovka has epileptic seizure», – someone said . “How epileptic seizure?!” – I blurted out: “But why to beat ?!” Then the nurse left Vovka for a second and turned to me: Shut up, otherwise, and you will be bad”. That nightly incident was bothering me for long time. I hoped, that gits will be punished. But all gone, as if nothing had happened.
… Once, one nurse pegged me in punishment for disobedience. And did it in a special way: the hands were were fixed to the metal corners of the bed. She had said, that she’ll unbind me, when I’ll ask forgiveness and went away. The circulation was disrupted , the hands swollen. Endure was becoming increasingly difficult. Nurse had entered in the ward and asked, I am going to ask forgivness or not. I hadn’t answer and she left.
The matter was already nearing to an evening. Soon the night shift had to come . I was very hoping, what this damned wretch will go, and the other nurse will unbind me.
However, it soon became clear, that the damned wretch stays on the night shift. She had come into the room and announced by triumphant tone: «Well, do you intend to ask forgiveness?» I wasn’t able to endure anymore and asked forgiveness from this crud as she had wanted. After that I was feeling myself horribly
They constantly indoctrinated us, that at any rate everything will be as they want. Any meanness, any overwhelming nightmare – everything will be as they want.
There was a teenage boy. He was suffering a severe form of epilepsy with mental retardation and was very irritable. The bastards were using this. They were provoking him intentionally and when he had come into anger – they attacked him from all sides and commited reprisal. In the time of the reprisal, when he was already tied, one nurse had gripped his genitals and furiously jerked. That nightmare still causes me stupor.
In general, intimate dignity was the subject of their special, sophisticated hostility. We were all Bug and cows, devil knows that have grown in us. It is terrible how our balls hindered them . The desire to tear off this” surplus ” again and again flied from their trashy sip. And some ones organized games such violence – chased the children and pulled their genitals and this wild nightmare took place quite openly, in front of everyone.
But the most terrible thing was chlorpromazine. The terrible effect can not be described. In what satanic laboratories was prepared this drug!? It was destroying the thinnest, most intimate strings of essence. Its action caused a complete rejection reaction. Every cell, every nerve were screaming with outrage. As long as overwhelming effect of chlorpromazine was manifesting, this reaction was completely suppressed. But as soon as this action is being weakened, the whole being is being filled with rage. But they were continuing to do chlorpromazine else and else.
There was one nurse, very greedy and cynical. She was often substituting others and was on duty multiple shifts in a row. And in order that the duty roster would pass quietly she was doing chlorpromazine to all. She was getting this with different ways. At the beginning with help on duty doctors. There were a lot of young doctors. Basically women. With them she was in familiarly relationships. She was calling a doctor by phone, a doctor was coming and appointing chlorpromazine, even not seeing for whom she appoints. Then they ceased trouble oneself to arrive. They were assigning by a phone. Then and this turned out to be unnecessary. The nurse herself was doing chlorpromazine, and the appoint was being done after, backdating. Then others followed her example .
And no salvation from this destruction remained. I was then completely destroyed! Physically and spiritually. The mind found itself in a state of complete prostration. I lost the ability to feel, resent and somehow to react. In this condition I was discharged home.
After some time, snippets of feelings began to erupt. Firstly the earlier depressed rage as a reaction on the influence of chlorpromazine. Gradually the awareness of what happened filled me. Experiences, that i endured, atrocity, vile, impunity were overflowing me. Precious moments of life, youth sped by. I was biting my lips from despair and was able to change nothing. I was dreaming about a retribution for the bastards. But they were far and i was not be able to do anything against them. And then all of uncontrollable pain fall at the man who was next. – On my poor mother. The dearest person in the world. Who gave me whole life without residue.
When I hit her all yelled in me: «What am I doing?!» And I felt, what i do not govern yourself. And i again was there.
… Again violence, merciless cynicism. Again boorish edification, that everything will be as they want. All they want, they will do – no one is decree for them . Yes, there was no hands on them. Abomination predetermine everything! Unlimited possibilities of absolute nothingness.
I could neither tolerate them, nor resist them! And again they were grinding me and scraping me with chlorpromazine. Until they destroyed all flesh and bone, every nerve, every cell. Human nature did not presuppose such exposure and did not envisage any protection against it. A human must not survive such ruinous exposure. So ruinous effects ssence not should survive.
He must die before going to happen like that. But the sadistic action of chlorpromazine overcame this last protective edge. And destroys not only the essence of life, but also the ability to die.
And I did not die then only by this terrible reason.